I was never sure if I was actually going to post this, but I figured I shared many tidbits of my life on this blog and so I may as well tell you about something new that is going to be happening in my life next year.
Earlier this year I started to seriously think about the direction in which my life was going: my future career to be more specific. I’ve spent the past (almost) three years at university pretty much ignoring the fact that I was there so that one day I could get a job. But since I had no idea what this said future job was going to be, I began feeling like university was this four years of ‘filler’, almost giving me extra time to think about what to do with my life. However, that is not to say that I haven’t learned life lessons from university that I will most definitely carry with me for the rest of my life.
I’m extremely lucky to not only be able to have the education I have, but even more so, i’m lucky to even have an education. My years of education will be something I’ll never regret, even if I owe a pretty good amount of money for it. University has tested me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. You learn things about yourself that you never realized you’d even have to confront. As scary as it is to put out on the internet for people I may not know, and even more frightening, people I know to read, I did spend a lot of my time at university worrying. I’ve definitely always had anxiety, that was never in question, but university has really tested my coping skills and made me realize that speaking about my anxiety to others who understand: family, friends, school councillors, etc may actually help. This may not be the case for everyone, but for me, this has helped me in ways I never knew possible, and it’s just the start. I have always been aware of my anxiety, but never coped with it well, and in my third year of university, it was the same for depression. In no way am I comparing depression and anxiety, but for me personally, depression is something I’ve found harder to deal with and more so harder to understand. Many mental illnesses have this stigma attached to them and I’ve always been scared that if I said out loud that I know I was depressed, I was being a drama queen or it wasn’t depression, it was just a bit of stress, or fatigue. I didn’t feel like myself and things I had once become interested in had now become so uninteresting to me. My frustration this past year with school and not feeling like myself has pushed me to start talking to people and helping me cope with the things I am dealing with. I finally began to look at the bigger picture and realized that although university has taught me many things, it is not for me.
To admit this reality was difficult for me. I had just spend three years of time and money on my education and I didn’t want to have anyone think it was all just a waste or that I didn’t appreciate the education opportunities I have. Luckily for myself, I am almost done my 3rd year, and I will be graduating at the end of it with a degree. Although I’ve of course had this urge to drop out MANY TIMES…perhaps even every other day, I’ve decided to stick with it until the end because I really believe I’d be upset with myself if I didn’t when I’m so close.
After I had decided this was the right path for me, I needed to decide what else my future entailed. I’ve been using this blog for the past year and a half as a creative outlet, mostly because I personally felt as if university had literally stomped on my creativity (for the most part) and thrown it out the window (I realize this isn’t the case for everyone). For the past few years I had become completely enthralled with this ‘beauty world’ but never realized that I could make a career out of what I was actually interested in…as silly as that may sound. I think that’s because I made myself think that things such as beauty were meant to stay as hobbies and true academia was what what got me the job…if I were to study beauty then it would become my job and I’d get sick of it. I’m not really sure why I ever thought this way, but I don’t believe my head was clear enough when I did and I think I was in a little bit of denial about what I was and was not good at or interested in. That’s when I decided I’m going to study hairstyling. I don’t feel the need to explain myself any further. And I’m quite confident in saying that this is the right choice for me, and although I loved a lot of aspects of university and learned a lot, it most certainly was not the right place for me personally but I do believe my degree will still help me along the way.
After I decided this was the right choice for me, I had another important decision to make. And that decision was where exactly I was going to go to hair school. I had to be realistic because money and debt are quite real. For years I’ve known where I wanted to live after I finished university, to have a career and grow even more. With this in mind, the choice of studying and beginning a career in Vancouver was quite obvious, and so that’s how I made the choice. The choice itself was an easy one for me. But the reality of it is quite scary when I look more into the future: living far away from everything I’ve known for the past 20 years (not that the other side of Canada is this alien land or anything) but I’m talking about my friends, my family, my past education, MY DOG, and just growing up in Ontario in general. The idea of continuing to grow up in a new city, with only a few suitcases to begin scares the crap out of me and doesn’t seem like the easiest thing to do. But as ‘they’ say…nothing worthwhile is easy. And if I continue to take ‘easy paths’, I don’t believe I’ll ever be happy.
So alas, this has been one of the scariest things I’ve ever shared on the internet…but once again scary is not always a bad thing. And you never know, maybe this story will help someone? Or maybe people will just find it interesting? Or maybe some people won’t even get to the part where I said I was going to graduate and think I’m dropping out of university? To each his own I guess!